Equilibrium

     Hello. Most of my writing pieces on this site aren't actually stream of consciousness in form, I do usually do some revising and put at least a semblance of thought into my work; I just chose to name this after stream of consciousness because it sounds cool and is vaguely similar to how I write. This piece, however, will actually be stream of consciousness, mostly because I have things in my head that I want to get down but have no real place to go, so I'll just be leaving them here. I won't be tweeting this one out like I usually do with posts on here, so if you're reading this: hello. 

    I want to talk about life. Not necessarily existential-type stuff, although it may be pertinent to at least keep in mind. So, just get "deep" for a second and think about your own mortality, the fact that no matter how influential you are you'll never truly make any lasting impact, and the time before and after the universe. Now, let's actually talk about life. Specifically mine, seeing as how I'm the one writing this and mine would be the one that I know best. I'll spare details, but everything is very strange at the moment. It's been strange for either 5 months, a year and a half, 12 years, or my entire life (depending on how you decide to look at it). But right now specifically is very weird. There's the whole pandemic still happening which has put a massive strain on quite literally every aspect of my life at the moment and generally fucked everything up. I haven't been able to see my friends for months (and as a result have lost connections with most, and the ones I'm still in contact with have much weaker relationships with me currently), my college is completely online (which has thrown off my entire academic perspective and work ethic), and has generally forced me to reevaluate my life countless times over the past however long it's been. 

    Now, I know I made my life sound at least a little bit completely awful, and that was completely intentional, but allow me to contrast it. I have been able to find new interests during quarantine and subsequently make a few friends from it. Surprisingly, I'm currently doing some of the most efficient and dedicated work in school that I ever have at the moment. And that previously mentioned life reevaluation has, obviously, given me new perspectives on things, and has generally made me think about life, which is what led to right now. I've looked at my life, the highs, the lows, and everything in between (geez, I'm starting to sound sappy), and I've realized something. I believe that, at this precise moment, I'm in a state of complete equilibrium. 

    Let me explain with a little bit of context. For a good chunk of my life, I've believed myself to be an average, or of moderation where applicable. Just to name a few examples: I'm average height, average intelligence, average wealth, no strong swaying to either side of an argument in most cases and trying to find middle grounds, no preference in regards to a lot of routine things such as what to eat, what to study, what to spend time on, etc, and to swiftly delve into politics: a centrist. These are just a few that I'm able to pick from the top of my head in the immediate present, without truly stopping to think so as the preserve that state of stream of consciousness writing. The point of it being that for a good while now, I've thought of myself as a person who was always in the middle, compromising, undeciding, or otherwise. And through some recent viewing of my life, I've sort of come to the conclusion about it. Every bad thing that I've noticed that's happened to me recently has been counteracted by a good thing of the same nature, and vice versa. When this realization first came to me the first thing to pop into my head was "Nirvana" (the concept, not the band). But I quickly realized that I was nowhere close to that due to the bad within my life. Drawing my observations back to my life of moderateness, I concluded that currently, to my own abstract viewing, I am in a state of equilibrium. 

    I won't prattle on about explaining it or what I think of it since I think that you're most likely able to glean that yourself. Instead, I'll ramble about other things. Let's take a look at flaws, once again mine. Specifically, a weird mixture of flaws that I'll call "The Incompetent Therapist Problem". I think it's a mixture of being a perfectionist in some ways, wanting to help others, major self-doubt, and somewhat of an inferiority complex (I think). All of this combines into the thought: "I want to help everyone and fix everything, but I don't know how, don't have the ability, and wouldn't be able to do it anyway." Everyone has problems, and I know this. It's knowing this fact where this problem stems from. I just want to be able to do something, about anything in any meaningful capacity. But I know that my words don't mean anything or have any impact, which is a very difficult thing to realize when you consider yourself a writer. And I can't go beyond words, they're the only medium that I have any control over. If I go to my friends to ask for help, whether with myself or otherwise, I feel as if I'm never able to properly get anything out. And the same is true the other way around; If someone comes to me for something, especially personal, I just don't know what to do. I have no idea what to say, and even if I did, I know that I wouldn't say it right. I want to help people, but I don't know how, and even worse: I can't. 

    But, the odd thing is: I've sort of made peace with this. I've had this particularly thing for a very long time, and thus have had a long time to think about it. And I've come to terms with it, maybe accepted it. I know that I'm just short of being capable, but I can at least keep trying. I look past these observations to try and see more rational ones that others are able to see a lot easier than I can. It's hard to explain, but it's almost like, at least in regards to having to deal with it, I've sort of reached an equilibrium with it (I didn't start talking about this for nothing, it's a major reason why I'm writing this). 

    Thanks for reading, leave a comment telling me I'm awesome and/or need to get over myself. I'll be happy with either. Depending on the consequences of this post, I might do another in the future if the will and subject matter arise, although it'll most likely be quite a ways down the road. In the meantime, I'm hoping to be able to put out some more writings that I have ideas for, and some music reviews that I might have lined up. Just have to muster the will to create them first, and I have no clue when that'll happen. 

"I'd rather not say, because I don't know either. I'm supposed to, but I don't."     Jeff Lynne